Words to live by...

"I must be myself. I can not break myself any longer for you, or you. If you can love me for what I am, we shall be happier. If you cannot, I will still seek to deserve that you should. I must be myself. I will not hide my tastes or aversions. I will so trust that what is deep is holy, that I will do strongly before the sun and moon whatever inly rejoices me, and the heart appoints. If you are noble, I will love you; if you are not, I will not hurt you and myself by hypocritial attentions. If you are true, but not in the same truth with me, cleave to your companions: I will seek my own. I do this not selfishly, but humbly and have dwelt in lies, to live in truth... if we follow the truth, it will bring us out safe at last."

" When good is near you, when you have life in yourself- it is not by any known or appointed way; you shall not see the face of man; you shall not hear any name- the way, the thought, the good shall be wholly strange and new. It shall exclude all other being... We are then in vision... The soul is raised over passion. It seeth identity and eternal causation. It is percieving that Truth and Right are. Hence it becomes a tranquility out of the knowing that all things go well. Vast spaces of nature; the Atlantic Ocean, the South Sea; vast intervals of time, years, centuries, are of no account. This which I think and feel, underlay that former state of life and circumstances, as it does underlie my present, and will always all circumstance, and what is called life, and what is called death."
"God is here within."

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Message to Mom

When I think of you, you look just like you do in this picture; curly gray hairs flying about in every direction, tanned skin, and small wrinkles around your eyes. Your teeth were perfectly straight, your nose thinner than my own, and your lips, full and shaped like mine. Your fingertips were slightly pointed (I got Dad's), legs any woman would die for, and a slight droop of the chin that had come with age. All together, you really were quite beautiful I think. You were one of those who aged gracefully and looked lovely with your halo of silver curls. I couldn't wait to see you as an old woman because you wanted to be rebellious and grow your hair long; wear it in a bun you said. Remember when you came to visit me in college and I flat ironed your hair?! Your head looked like a gumdrop. The next day you took my friends and I ultimate sledding on Mt. Hood and on the way home we stopped at A&W an ate corn-dog nuggets and root beer floats. They thought you were so cool.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'm throwing myself a party this weekend and will be spending the day tomorrow with my two favorite women on this earth. It's supposed to be a happy day, and it will be I'm sure, but really I'm sure I will spend this birthday, just like every other, wading around in thoughts of you.

Tomorrow is my birthday and there's nobody to bake me a cake these days; not one made with as much love as you used in any event. Friends of mine; amazing, close friends you have never met but would love, tease me endlessly about my sweet-tooth. They don't know that just like my entire being, this love of sugar is a creation of your own doing. The pies aren't as fun to bake anymore and the candies aren't as sweet to eat without you to enjoy them with.

Tomorrow is my birthday and all I really want in the whole entire world, is to spend it with you. Instead I will try to distract myself with the amazing people in my life who love and care for me incredibly, but I will be thinking about that little white house in NE you took me home from the hospital to. About how I was born during my favorite season and was almost two weeks late; about the breakdown you had at a restaurant a few weeks before I was born when you couldn't fit into the booth they tried to seat you at. About how I was born just before dusk, my favorite time of day. About the checkerboard cakes you used to make me every year with M&Ms on top. About birthday parties at Grant Swimming Pool or Oaks Park. About that birthday sleepover in the fifth grade that went horribly wrong. About the pictures of me as a baby in your arms shortly after I was born. About you helping me move away to college on my 18th birthday and about how surprised I was when you had tears in your eyes as we said goodbye.

Really what I'm feeling, is that I wish it was Thursday and that my birthday didn't really happen at all because all I can think about is how I wish I was spending tomorrow with you. Thank you for birthing me and for having been my mom. Thank you for allowing me to be here and be so blessed and for helping me to become the person I am. Thank you for leading by example and in your last years here, showing me what true courage looks like by jumping right out of your own unhappiness into a future that at the time, was unknown. Thank you for showing me the importance of following one's heart and inner voice before all else and for being so creative, and generous, and nurturing to those around you. Thank you for always siding with the underdog, for fighting for what you believed in and for learning to love yourself first. I hope to someday be half the woman you were. And I suppose last but not least, on the eve of yet another birthday, I just want to say thank you for this glorious life and for having been you.