By Mary Oliver...

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do-
to save the only life you could save.

Today...


I went to breakfast with a fairly new, albeit very good friend of mine. We told each other funny stories and talked of our self-doubts over coffee (me) and diet Coke (her)... and then as good friends do, reassured each other of our good-enough-ness. I ate runny poached eggs with potatoes and lots of salt and toast with jam, she an egg white omelet, hold the cheese, with veggies and dry toast. This probably helps explain why at almost the same height, I am carrying several dozen more pounds than she. Truth be told, while I sometimes lament the fact that I'm not thinner, I kind of like the curve of my hips the slim of my waist and the fullness of my breasts.



I sat next to another woman named Emily at church this morning after breakfast. We have just very recently befriended each other and I learned today that this Emily has, I think, two sons and grew up Unitarian as well. Emily cries most weeks at church. Sometimes she cries during the music, sometimes during the readings, sometimes during the sermons. It seems to me that she must be carrying around a lot of pain and hopefully, joy too around inside of her to have so many emotions so very close to the surface. Or maybe she is just so courageous that she is able to let her emotions be what they will instead of hiding them away from the world like I so often do. Whenever I go to the antique mall, one of my favorite places to get lost in, I see little fancy embroidered handkerchiefs and I think of Emily. I think next time I go, I will buy a few for her.



After church I went to a coffee shop and did the Sunday crossword puzzle. I almost completed the whole thing! There's an equal level of satisfaction and frustration that comes with doing well on a crossword puzzle but not completing it entirely. Sadly, I can count on one hand the number of times I have completed one. However, I have faith that if I continue to do them, someday I will be as good at them as my mom was, and as good at them as her mom was.



After coffee I went to Target. While there to buy toilet paper and face wash, I came out with a few more items than were on my list. I purchased Boots Bergamot bubble bath which came in a glass jar and a lovely gray nightgown and matching robe. I'm lounging in them as we speak. After Target, I went to New Seasons and got lots of fruit, apple-cabbage salad, and of course, for those days when my job makes me want to throw in life's towel, chocolate hazelnut gelato.



When I got home, I put away the groceries, did some dishes and cleaned up the kitchen a bit. I will do a few loads of laundry, and maybe if I'm feeling really ambitious, brush little Shumbi's teeth tonight before bed. I would give him a bath too, but I just scrubbed the shower walls and well, I don't feel like doing it all over again today.



Surprisingly, today has been the first day in weeks when being home alone feels more like solitude than loneliness. Slowly but surely, I'm trying to get a hold of this being-on-my-own thing and I'm hopeful that as time goes by, I will get more used to the silence that constantly surrounds me, the extra responsibilities that come with being the sole person in a household, the sole owner of a pet, and that this hollow, endless aching to be near another person will diminish a bit. I'm trying my damnedest to stay focused on those great conversations with friends like those I had at breakfast this morning, those connections I make with new people like Emily at church that spawn the web of my life just a little bit broader, and better recognize the quiet, silent times as opportunities for appreciating all the blessing I do have and meditating on the things that I would like for my life in the future. I hope that some point in your day today, or sometime this week... that sometime on a regular basis, you too are able to find time to be in silent solitude and quiet, peaceful reflectiveness, letting if even for a few moments, what will be, be.

Namaste.