Maybe

It's Saturday night. 7:27pm. I'm sitting in my bed, in my pajamas. My work day started at eight this morning and I finally dragged my poor old tired legs to my car around 645 this evening. Needless to say, it was a long day. And a hard one. Our busiest of the year in fact. We did over four thousand dollars in sales, that's a lot of lattes, and we sold over 275 Frappuccinos. That's the name of our blended beverages for those of you who don't 'speak Starbucks. Long story short, today was chaos from the word go and my body is literally aching; most especially my feet and my back.

I came home to an empty house and it's too quite in here. Shumba was seemingly happy to see me but really he just wanted his dinner. After I fed him he went and laid in the other room with his favorite teddy bear toy and ignored me when I called his name. My last interaction with the roommate yesterday morning ended in quite an ugly manner and she's at work tonight but I'm sure will either still be mad at me or won't want to speak to me at all next time our paths cross. All day long I took care of other people. I served hundreds of customers. I picked their garbage up off the floor that they couldn't seem to throw in the trash can. I wiped up their messes. I made their drinks, I gave stickers to their children, I smiled and was friendly even when they were rude to me because it's important to me that my interactions with others leave them feeling happy even if they treat me like dirt. I gave my amazing, hard working partners breaks before myself and I stopped on the way in an bought doughnuts and fruit and juice for breakfast for everyone. Not a single person said thank you. Last weekend I spent 11 hours on my day off preparing and serving coffee to rich Oregonians at an art auction benefitting Cascade Aids Project and this week I will be trying to help plan Starbucks participation in the Oregon Humane Society Doggie Dash next weekend. In what little spare time I've had this week I surfed the web endlessly, and to no avail, to try to find my brother a cheap place to live in North Portland by the end of the month. I also need to find a storage unit and go over to his house to help him sort through and pack up the spare bedroom full of what remains of my mom and grandparents belongings before we actually get him moved in the next few weeks. I haven't been grocery shopping in over two weeks and today I ate the following: two doughnuts, a bag of dried apples, a bag of popcorn, a turkey bacon breakfast sandwich minus the turkey bacon, some strawberries, and for dinner I had two stale chocolate chip cookies and about a gallon of water. The dirty laundry is piling up in the corner of my bedroom and my dog is getting fat because he doesn't get walked enough and today... well, today I feel like I am starting to fray from the inside out. I'm starting to feel hopeless... and even on a bad day, I still usually can find hope that tomorrow will be better.

   Lately in my life I feel like all I do is give of myself to other people and other causes and I never get to spend much time doing anything for myself. Don't get me wrong, I like doing things for other people. It makes me feel useful, worthwhile and happy to know that I was able to make someone's day happier or brighter or easier. But when you do this day in and day out and with very little thanks, it can sometimes, as today, grow tiring and lead to the ignoring of one's own needs. Truth be told, I did buy myself a new outfit earlier this week and some new shoes too. That was pretty exciting... until I paid all of my bills the other night and realized that shopping trip to try to cheer myself up maybe wasn't the best idea I ever had. I know my life is blessed beyond belief; that I'm more fortunate and wealthy and privileged than most of the world in fact, but lately life still just feels too damn hard and awful damn lonely. It sucks coming home from work on horrible days like today to a dirty kitchen, an empty refrigerator, an achy body, and sad soul, and not having anyone who gives a damn. Friends are barbecuing  on this warm night with their family or going out to do something fun with their partners or friends because they have some semblance of a weekend and social life and balance between their work and personal lives and tomorrow most of them will celebrate or recognize mothers day in some way. And I will go to church alone, and I will listen to a sermon about how important and wonderful moms are, and I will be sad as sad can be and then and I will come home to a quiet, empty house and be sad some more. I will do my laundry and clean the bathroom, because I always clean the bathroom on Sundays and maybe just maybe I will go to the grocery store and by eight I will be in bed reading because I have to get up for work at three on Mondays. And then the whole cycle starts all over again.

  But Monday is a new day. It is not a tired today and not a sad tomorrow. Maybe it will rain and I will be happy that its cool out again. Maybe, just maybe one of the hundreds of people I serve every day and people I manage will thank me for how hard I work and how much of my life I give to my stupid job. Maybe I will drive across the St. Johns bridge, three mountains in view, and exhale a little bit into the beauty of the world. Maybe I will cook myself a healthy, balanced, filling meal and feel fortunate to be so lucky. Maybe my roomate will decide I'm not such an asshole after all and by some miraculous twist of fate, we will find my brother a place that he can afford and get him packed up and moved in the next three weeks. Maybe I will find time to get my laundry done and feel happy and good about myself as I step out into the world smelling of fabric softener. Maybe I will read something fantastic and inspiring and be reconnected with the dreams I have for my life that on many days I'm too busy and tired to remember about. Maybe a friend I miss dearly will want to get together. Maybe and actually probably, many of these things will happen in the next week and my soul will be a little bit restored and I will see the light again and I will remember what an unspeakable blessing this one life is and remember how fortunate and lucky a girl I am and I will be able again to recognize everything positive and grace-filled and lovely that makes my life and the world and the people around me what they are. And I will be happy again.