I haven't had much, and by much I mean any, time to write lately because I've been burning the candle at both ends between work and other responsibilities in my life. I haven't had much time to stop and think and process much at all in fact, coming home and going straight to bed, getting up and going straight to work or running off to some other obligation. This morning feels deep and luxurious as I on the couch in my favorite green pajama shirt and sweat pants drinking coffee and eating german chocolate cake for breakfast. Yes, I said german chocolate cake for breakfast. I'm thinking about a few of my friends who seem to be going through particularly hard times at the moment and wishing there was a single damn thing I could do to make them feel hopeful or at least a tear drop less awful. Yesterday a friend told me she's going through a spiritual crisis of faith. I didn't know what to say at the time and just asked, "Really??" like and idiot. My brain's not very quick you see, and I think this is the reason it's so hard for me to communicate orally with people sometimes. By the time I have really taken in and processed and thought about what they have said and where they may be at or what they may be feeling, its much too late to formulate and give any sort of thoughtful, intelligent response. This morning I am wondering what her crisis of faith is about, where and what it is rooted in if only one thing, or if it is just life and the world in a grander scheme getting her down.
I've had a few crisis' of faith in my life. One this past fall when it seemed all that could go wrong in my world did, where the waves of emotions would creep up and pour over me time and time again when I least expected then... and when I thought I had already gone through them before and moved beyond them. Sometimes you can cry so much you are sure there is not another tear to be had inside your entire body, that you have cried all the tears there is to cry in the world and then, the next day, there they are again. During these moments in my life all felt helpless, the cause of my life a lost and worthless one. I would drive to work and wonder if maybe I should just drive off the side of the road or into oncoming traffic and put and end to the pain and misery and pointlessness of it all. My heart had been broken in one way or another and I felt like why oh why go on. What was the point? What was the purpose of my existence? And would a single soul even notice or care if I was gone? I had lost my purpose and belief in myself, I lost my faith in the goodness of the universe, my belief in the blessing of life, and my hope for better days ahead. I just wanted it all, the pain and the hurt and the sorrow and what felt like the fruitlessness of it all, to go away and be over. Somehow, probably only for the love and support of a few good friends, I made it across this muddy mess that had become my life onto surer footing and more solid ground. I got up everyday and I went through the motions and I came home and a cried and ached for the way that I so wanted my life to be and I mourned and I got up the next day and did it all over again. I did this day after day after day after day after day and slowly but surely, I started to notice the beauty of the fog hanging ever so gently atop the steeples on the St. Johhns bridge during my morning dog walk and I felt a twinkle of gratitude for such a sight. I noticed the first buds beginning to form on the tips of the branches on a tree outside of my house and thought about the resilience of nature and it's ability to just keep on keeping on and endless production of beauty even after it has died, about it's persistence to be reborn. I saw my god-daughter smile widely at me through the window, her deep dimples a sign of beauty, a hope for the future of our world. Through the love and support of others I began to develop a small amount of compassion for myself and learned to believe in myself a little bit more. I began to remember thinking about all the crisis' and trauma and drama I had already lived through and thought about the many blessings that going through these things brought to my life. Now my life is nowhere near perfect and on many days I do let it get me down. I find myself burried in thoughts of the things I thought I would have at thrity, and the partner and children I desperately, endlessly ache for. I worry tirelessly about this or that and I look in the mirror and feel often a deep disappointment in the appearance of the person staring back at me. Some days still I spend swimming in and sinking into the muck of the world but the difference these days is I know I will not be trapped there and that soon, this too shall pass.
In the end I suppose there's no recipe for healing up and taping back together a wounded and broken heart. The story of many of our lives I think, of being a living creature in this world, is one of redemption and resilience. Life isn't easy. And it isn't fair. My mother told this to me what seems like a million and one times growing up. So if it isn't easy and it isn't fair, what the hell is the point of it anyways? Why does pain exist and why must some of us experience it so frequently or so terribly in moments of our lives? The only conclusion I can come to about my life and yours, is that there must be a point and that there must be hidden blessings in all of that pain. For me personally, in order for my life to have purpose, I have to believe that there is a reason for all of this, for this thing called living, for human existence. And judging from the experience of all of our lives, it isn't to feel endless joy and happiness or that is what our lives would all be. Tragedy and heartbreak happen every moment of everyday in the world a thousand times over. Maybe the point of all of this is two fold; to give us something to relate to those around us with, and so that we better recognize the juicy, blessed moments in our lives when they occur with greater appreciation and joy. Heartbreak if nothing else, helps the well of empathy inside of ourselves grow and improves the relatability of our souls to the rest of those on the planet. It challenges us to really feel and more so, to learn, to grow. And if we can somehow manage to live through it, it brings us strength and courage we probably never knew we had. I wish that my friends who are struggling and wrestling with their lives and their lives' purpose right now could see if only a moment, themselves through my eyes. I wish they could see the beauty I am constantly astounded by in their souls. The kindness and the intelligence and really, the blessing and gift of their presence in the world. I wonder if we all truly realized and understood the importance of our being here, understood fully that there are reasons for us as individuals to be alive and particular gifts to give that only we can offer, if crisis' of faith would sink into the depths of our beings as deeply at times as they do now. When I look at my friends I can see why they are here as plain as day; I can see gifts they have to give and I know how very much they are loved. And I know that what I see is probably only a small portion of the potential for love and blessings they have to contribute to the world.
If only we all could take a cue from my cheap, bellowing Ikea teapot, announcing loudly each morning our place in the world and claiming our seat at humanity's table. As my minister so likes to say, today is the day we have been given, let us rejoice in it and be glad. Might I add onto that, let us rejoice in others and in their presence be glad. Might we share with them in their moments of heartbreak and sorrow, during their crisis' of faith and in their moments of joy, how very important their lives are to the world and let them know all of the reasons that they matter. May we in our prouder moments, not feel ashamed to toot our own horn a little bit like a whistling teapot, and may we in other's darker moments, bellow the call of their gift on the world for them, reminding them of the endless possibilities all of our lives hold. May we greet others we love and know, and those we may not, with the word 'namaste' in our hearts, seeing inside them the same divinity and promise that resides inside of ourselves. Today is the day we have been given, may we rejoice in others and tell them all the many and blessed ways they make us glad.
Namaste.
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