The sun has risen for the day and even though it's cloudy and the skies are gray, I'm sure it's out there somewhere. It's still dark in my house. I've made a French press of Ethiopian coffee, the are curtains drawn, and am sitting by lamplight. Shumbi is curled up near by taking a rest after the past hour or so of chasing a fly around the living room. Last night I went for a long walk around North Portland with a friend and I discovered soon into our stroll that a light sweatshirt and rain jacket were not enough to keep the cold and the wind out. A few miles into our trek, the muscles in my legs began to cramp up in protests, yelling at me for being so foolish. It was at this moment that I realized we are really in this cold, dark, damp quiet for many months now, that fall and that Oregon, have indeed re-arrived.
Autumn has always been my favorite season and I have my favorite trees around the neighborhood that are almost exploding with colors bursting from their branches out into their leaves and finally floating down gently into piles on the sidewalk and parking strips. I love that I get to wear wool socks again, big cozy sweaters, and eat soup for dinner any time I am so pleased. And even though it is a season of dying, if feels every year for some reason, like coming home again. It is when I think about my family most and feel most domestic. It is when I want to cook on Sundays and bake on Mondays and smother Shumbi with endless hugs and kisses on every other day. I would give just about any worldly possession I own, or the whole lot of them, to have a fireplace to sit and read by. This, in my book, would be really living.
In a few weeks the leaves that haven't already withered up and died will have done so, and the trees will stand stark and thin, ready to bravely face the storms that will come. The skies will be eternally gray and the rain will be coming down more often than it will not. And it seems that every year at this time, no matter how much I try to fight it, the gratitude and joy I feel with the coming of fall, melts too easily away at the realization that painful anniversaries and the holiday season is quickly approaching and my heart will begin to ache a little harder than normal for awhile. It's the time of year I relieve many horrible moments including getting the worst phone call of my life, when I can hear myself over and over again in my head screaming like I have never screamed before, "what are you talking about, what are you talking about?!" It's the time of year when I think about going through my mom's sock drawer and throwing those without mates away, putting nice ones in a box for goodwill, and keeping a few pairs for myself. It's the time of year I think about my brother suddenly losing his only true friend in the world and my father sobbing uncontrollably when he saw pictures of his first love at her friends house a few days after my her death. It's also the time of year I feel most connected to nature and the time of year I want to take care of people most and give them love in whatever way I can, and yet, the time of year when I feel painfully abandoned by all that I once knew as good and safe and home.; the time of year when I most want someone to take care of me. This year, in an attempt to counteract the sad thoughts and empty feelings of longing that always seem to wade into my heart during moments I least expect them, I've decided rather than spend November and December quietly and miserably mourning, I'm going to make every effort to expend any extra energy I have left after work to doing things for other people and not being as self-involved as is apparently in my nature. My church is hosting a day shelter for homeless families and if I can swing it with my work schedule, I hope to be a homework helper to some of the kids from these families and one Sunday soon, hope to be able to pull out my mom's scone recipe and serving platters and make a giant brunch for these families.
Fall signifies not only a season of dying, but also a time of reflection and of change. It is the time of year when many of us think back over the previous year and ponder what we have or have not accomplished, what we have learned, and most especially, what we would like to change about our lives in the future. This year, I find myself feeling changed inside quite significantly. This was the year that I after many years of hopeless searching and frustration as to what path to take in life, have found my passion and my purpose. It has been thrilling and heart warming and comforting and feels like coming home to the place I was always supposed to be. And yet, having made this discovery, it is terrifying as well because now that I know what it is I'm supposed to be doing with my life, I have to actually do it and this is going to take a giant, actually many giant, dollops of courage and willpower on my part. To be honest, I'm scared in a way that I've never been scared before. I feel as if I'm about to put any potential I think I might have to the test; that I'm about to jump headfirst into the ocean and don' t even know if I can swim. I'm curious as to next fall, what I will have learned on my journey and where I will be finding myself if I do indeed follow the advice of Emerson and obey thyself.
Often we find ourselves having to deal with unexpected change, unwelcome change and fall signals a time of year when some of us try to make peace with these changes. I have several friends right now in the midst of unexpected life changes from new living situations, the breakup or sudden growth of relationships with a partner, friendships that are painfully withering away, to loss of income. What I have learned in this past year the most, is the one thing that I find myself continuing to learn year after year and that is that we aren't really every completely alone in our struggles and our joys. Chances are, someone we know, or someone they know, may be going through life changes and circumstances that relate quite well to our own. It is only in honesty and frankness and a willingness to connect with other people and desire find blessings in the good and bad parts of our lives, that we can find peace. If there is one phrase that rings truer than all others in my life, it is that one cannot change the past. What is done is done. What will be will be. Change is indeed inevitable and bad things do indeed happen to good people. Life is a journey and a struggle and less often a joyride. If this then is true, the only opportunity we have at finding happiness, is to understand that there is something to be learned from everything in life, that there are indeed blessings amid sorrow, that we are all in this together, and that if we follow what our innermost voice tells us to do, we will usually come out on top. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Trust thyself. Every heart vibrates to that iron string. Accept the place that the divine Providence has found for you; the society of your contemporaries, the connection of events." Trust thyself. Trust thyself. Trust thyself, and accept your place in the world. It is only when we stray from these things, when we cannot accept and be who we are amid what feel a world of critics, and when we are angry or bitter about our place in the world, that life becomes a endless, miserable chore instead of a joy and a blessing.
I have decided I am going to try to spend this next year working towards the place I feel the Divine Providence has found for me, no matter how scary it may seem, and be thankful for it. Yes, I am mostly miserable in my job as it is, but there are many many blessing to be found there and these things are what I must stay focused on. I know that many who know me think this sudden surge of religion and faith in my life signals insanity or don't understand who I am becoming, but I will continue to do and speak about and focus on all that concerns me, and not worry about what other people may think. As Emerson said, every true man is indeed a cause and I will be mine. And I hope that you who are reading this spend this season of change and reflection thinking about how you will do the same and not forget that to which your life is committed.
Namaste.
Autumn has always been my favorite season and I have my favorite trees around the neighborhood that are almost exploding with colors bursting from their branches out into their leaves and finally floating down gently into piles on the sidewalk and parking strips. I love that I get to wear wool socks again, big cozy sweaters, and eat soup for dinner any time I am so pleased. And even though it is a season of dying, if feels every year for some reason, like coming home again. It is when I think about my family most and feel most domestic. It is when I want to cook on Sundays and bake on Mondays and smother Shumbi with endless hugs and kisses on every other day. I would give just about any worldly possession I own, or the whole lot of them, to have a fireplace to sit and read by. This, in my book, would be really living.
In a few weeks the leaves that haven't already withered up and died will have done so, and the trees will stand stark and thin, ready to bravely face the storms that will come. The skies will be eternally gray and the rain will be coming down more often than it will not. And it seems that every year at this time, no matter how much I try to fight it, the gratitude and joy I feel with the coming of fall, melts too easily away at the realization that painful anniversaries and the holiday season is quickly approaching and my heart will begin to ache a little harder than normal for awhile. It's the time of year I relieve many horrible moments including getting the worst phone call of my life, when I can hear myself over and over again in my head screaming like I have never screamed before, "what are you talking about, what are you talking about?!" It's the time of year when I think about going through my mom's sock drawer and throwing those without mates away, putting nice ones in a box for goodwill, and keeping a few pairs for myself. It's the time of year I think about my brother suddenly losing his only true friend in the world and my father sobbing uncontrollably when he saw pictures of his first love at her friends house a few days after my her death. It's also the time of year I feel most connected to nature and the time of year I want to take care of people most and give them love in whatever way I can, and yet, the time of year when I feel painfully abandoned by all that I once knew as good and safe and home.; the time of year when I most want someone to take care of me. This year, in an attempt to counteract the sad thoughts and empty feelings of longing that always seem to wade into my heart during moments I least expect them, I've decided rather than spend November and December quietly and miserably mourning, I'm going to make every effort to expend any extra energy I have left after work to doing things for other people and not being as self-involved as is apparently in my nature. My church is hosting a day shelter for homeless families and if I can swing it with my work schedule, I hope to be a homework helper to some of the kids from these families and one Sunday soon, hope to be able to pull out my mom's scone recipe and serving platters and make a giant brunch for these families.
Fall signifies not only a season of dying, but also a time of reflection and of change. It is the time of year when many of us think back over the previous year and ponder what we have or have not accomplished, what we have learned, and most especially, what we would like to change about our lives in the future. This year, I find myself feeling changed inside quite significantly. This was the year that I after many years of hopeless searching and frustration as to what path to take in life, have found my passion and my purpose. It has been thrilling and heart warming and comforting and feels like coming home to the place I was always supposed to be. And yet, having made this discovery, it is terrifying as well because now that I know what it is I'm supposed to be doing with my life, I have to actually do it and this is going to take a giant, actually many giant, dollops of courage and willpower on my part. To be honest, I'm scared in a way that I've never been scared before. I feel as if I'm about to put any potential I think I might have to the test; that I'm about to jump headfirst into the ocean and don' t even know if I can swim. I'm curious as to next fall, what I will have learned on my journey and where I will be finding myself if I do indeed follow the advice of Emerson and obey thyself.
Often we find ourselves having to deal with unexpected change, unwelcome change and fall signals a time of year when some of us try to make peace with these changes. I have several friends right now in the midst of unexpected life changes from new living situations, the breakup or sudden growth of relationships with a partner, friendships that are painfully withering away, to loss of income. What I have learned in this past year the most, is the one thing that I find myself continuing to learn year after year and that is that we aren't really every completely alone in our struggles and our joys. Chances are, someone we know, or someone they know, may be going through life changes and circumstances that relate quite well to our own. It is only in honesty and frankness and a willingness to connect with other people and desire find blessings in the good and bad parts of our lives, that we can find peace. If there is one phrase that rings truer than all others in my life, it is that one cannot change the past. What is done is done. What will be will be. Change is indeed inevitable and bad things do indeed happen to good people. Life is a journey and a struggle and less often a joyride. If this then is true, the only opportunity we have at finding happiness, is to understand that there is something to be learned from everything in life, that there are indeed blessings amid sorrow, that we are all in this together, and that if we follow what our innermost voice tells us to do, we will usually come out on top. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Trust thyself. Every heart vibrates to that iron string. Accept the place that the divine Providence has found for you; the society of your contemporaries, the connection of events." Trust thyself. Trust thyself. Trust thyself, and accept your place in the world. It is only when we stray from these things, when we cannot accept and be who we are amid what feel a world of critics, and when we are angry or bitter about our place in the world, that life becomes a endless, miserable chore instead of a joy and a blessing.
I have decided I am going to try to spend this next year working towards the place I feel the Divine Providence has found for me, no matter how scary it may seem, and be thankful for it. Yes, I am mostly miserable in my job as it is, but there are many many blessing to be found there and these things are what I must stay focused on. I know that many who know me think this sudden surge of religion and faith in my life signals insanity or don't understand who I am becoming, but I will continue to do and speak about and focus on all that concerns me, and not worry about what other people may think. As Emerson said, every true man is indeed a cause and I will be mine. And I hope that you who are reading this spend this season of change and reflection thinking about how you will do the same and not forget that to which your life is committed.
Namaste.
1 comment:
Em, this had me weeping. Thank you for reminding of of a few things I've put off.
I love your writing.
Love,
Miranda
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