–noun
1.
the state of being a friend; association as friends: to value a person's friendship.
2.
a friendly relation or intimacy.
3.
friendly feeling or disposition.
Some would say that you could define a person by their relationships with other people. Most especially with their friends. Because while we can't choose our family, our friends are people that for whatever reason, we have picked to be in our lives in some degree of intimacy and relationship. The way that we treat and relate to them says something about who we are as human beings both as a collective people, but more so as individuals.
I don't feel like I've been a very good friend to very many people in my life. The friendships that have been deep and meaningful in my thirty years I can count on one hand and the ones that I currently have in my life that mean everything to me number about half of that. I admit it, selfishness is in my nature and at certain points more than others, it can reign supreme... sometimes to the neglect of friends. During periods of difficulty such as during my parents divorce or when I lost my mom or the past year when my relationship of ten years ended, I became at times an exceptionally selfish individual. In spite of how it may appear on this blog, I am generally a very private person. I don't display much emotion with others and tend keep most of my feelings and emotions to myself. And during times of great stress or sadness or when I'm feeling most broken (and probably need to give and recieve love from other people the most), I tend hide away from the world and prefer to process my thoughts and emotions in private. Not intentionally, I pull away from the world and from my friends in the process. This past year that has happened quite a bit, me spending months at a time either at work or holed up in my house with my dog and stacks of books around me. I read, I write, I pray, I process and hopefully, on the other end, a changed me will appear. The problem is that sometimes during these periods of chrysalis in my life, when I feel content to be working on my own insides, I become selfish and forget about people I care about, leaving friends sometimes feeling overlooked and hurt. It's sometimes been an exceptionally hard thing for myself, being such an introvert, to balance maintaining meaningful friendships while also carving out much needed alone time to regain my sanity after being surrounded by hundreds of people five days a week at work. I suppose this is why as I've gotten older and realized my own need for quiet time by myself, I have become much more selective about the people I spend my limited time with and the friendships I invest in. That being said, there are friends out there whom I miss, whom I wonder about, whom I think have lost quite a bit of respect for me in the past year and this continues to be a hard reality to live with.
I have recently reunited with an old and true pal of the greatest degree. She and I had a falling out many months ago after I made assumptions about her feelings towards actions I had taken in my life and said something very hurtful and unfair to her. And so she let me fade from the fabric of her everyday life. Occasionally I would text or call and leave a message, tell her I missed her and apologize and wish her well and she would always respond politely but I knew, or at least I thought I knew, that deep down she was done with me. And it broke my heart. It's rare for me to find a friend that I connect with so succinctly, that I can both laugh my ass off with and with whom I can also share my tears and my regrets and my deepest sadnesses and in this diamond of a friend, I had that. And then I didn't.
This fall the waves of life came crashing down on me hard and in unison and I found myself broke, busted and alone and not knowing who else to reach out to, I reached out to this friend I hadn't spoken with in many months. And she responded. And she asked if I was okay. And despite the hurt I had caused her so many months ago, she forgave me and she loved me and continues to do so selflessly for exactly the big old nerd that I am. When I think about her I feel so blessed and happy to have this kind of support and when good things happen to me I want to tell her because I know she will be happy with me. When bad things happen to me I want to rant and rave and complain to her because I know she will either support my cause, or call me out if I'm being irrational. She always listens to and supports me and she tells me she is proud of me. Nobody tells me that. And I believe her. She encourages me to follow my heart and my dreams and believes in the possibility of my life having a great impact on the world. That's a lot to believe in someone, I still am not really sure why or how she does it. In reflection upon my feelings towards the importance of our friendship to me, I have recently come to the realization that all of these things and so much more mean she is my family to me. I don't have any idea if she feels the same and that's okay. She is like my equally gay sister. When I get married I hope she will be my maid of honor and will be the big gay god-mommy of my children. I hope that when she gets married I will be the one performing the ceremony (and wearing a fabulous linen suit). I hope when we are old and gray we will be able to sit on a porch together and drink chai tea and laugh about what big nerds we were back in the day and that our wives and our children will be great friends. And mostly I hope that whatever many changes life surely has in store for us in the future, that we will always be able to come back to this place of ease and happiness that exists between us and that where love has been between us, love will remain.
In my life the people who are close are few and far between. I suspect this is the case for a lot of us. Some of the people I admire most in the world are everyday folks I meet or know who live life so openly and unabashedly that they not only let anyone and everyone in, but they invite them into their world and their lives and create this beautiful ripple effect of love out into the world. Learning to be better at letting more people really see me and trying to really see others is one of my 2011 goals. For all of us, partners and pets and jobs and even our families come and go in life and sometimes simply just go... so thank God for the love and communion of friends. Although I have two blood-related relatives in town, the friend mentioned above and a few others amazingly giving and open souls feel just as much like my family too. When I feel frustrated about not having a giant gaggle of friends to parade around with, or a "crew" as it were, I try to remember the great blessings of the presence of the close and amazing friends I do have in my life; quality, not quantity. I only hope that I can be half as good of a friend to them as they are to me and that in my presence, they may always feel comfort, peace, and happiness inside their own skin. May we all go through our lives blessed with the love and company of at least one good friend with whom me can be our most beautiful and our most ugly selves and may we when we leave their presence, go out into the world and pass on the love they have given us to others. I am lucky to have that and to be inspired by these women and many more. May you too be so blessed.
Namaste.
I have recently reunited with an old and true pal of the greatest degree. She and I had a falling out many months ago after I made assumptions about her feelings towards actions I had taken in my life and said something very hurtful and unfair to her. And so she let me fade from the fabric of her everyday life. Occasionally I would text or call and leave a message, tell her I missed her and apologize and wish her well and she would always respond politely but I knew, or at least I thought I knew, that deep down she was done with me. And it broke my heart. It's rare for me to find a friend that I connect with so succinctly, that I can both laugh my ass off with and with whom I can also share my tears and my regrets and my deepest sadnesses and in this diamond of a friend, I had that. And then I didn't.
This fall the waves of life came crashing down on me hard and in unison and I found myself broke, busted and alone and not knowing who else to reach out to, I reached out to this friend I hadn't spoken with in many months. And she responded. And she asked if I was okay. And despite the hurt I had caused her so many months ago, she forgave me and she loved me and continues to do so selflessly for exactly the big old nerd that I am. When I think about her I feel so blessed and happy to have this kind of support and when good things happen to me I want to tell her because I know she will be happy with me. When bad things happen to me I want to rant and rave and complain to her because I know she will either support my cause, or call me out if I'm being irrational. She always listens to and supports me and she tells me she is proud of me. Nobody tells me that. And I believe her. She encourages me to follow my heart and my dreams and believes in the possibility of my life having a great impact on the world. That's a lot to believe in someone, I still am not really sure why or how she does it. In reflection upon my feelings towards the importance of our friendship to me, I have recently come to the realization that all of these things and so much more mean she is my family to me. I don't have any idea if she feels the same and that's okay. She is like my equally gay sister. When I get married I hope she will be my maid of honor and will be the big gay god-mommy of my children. I hope that when she gets married I will be the one performing the ceremony (and wearing a fabulous linen suit). I hope when we are old and gray we will be able to sit on a porch together and drink chai tea and laugh about what big nerds we were back in the day and that our wives and our children will be great friends. And mostly I hope that whatever many changes life surely has in store for us in the future, that we will always be able to come back to this place of ease and happiness that exists between us and that where love has been between us, love will remain.
In my life the people who are close are few and far between. I suspect this is the case for a lot of us. Some of the people I admire most in the world are everyday folks I meet or know who live life so openly and unabashedly that they not only let anyone and everyone in, but they invite them into their world and their lives and create this beautiful ripple effect of love out into the world. Learning to be better at letting more people really see me and trying to really see others is one of my 2011 goals. For all of us, partners and pets and jobs and even our families come and go in life and sometimes simply just go... so thank God for the love and communion of friends. Although I have two blood-related relatives in town, the friend mentioned above and a few others amazingly giving and open souls feel just as much like my family too. When I feel frustrated about not having a giant gaggle of friends to parade around with, or a "crew" as it were, I try to remember the great blessings of the presence of the close and amazing friends I do have in my life; quality, not quantity. I only hope that I can be half as good of a friend to them as they are to me and that in my presence, they may always feel comfort, peace, and happiness inside their own skin. May we all go through our lives blessed with the love and company of at least one good friend with whom me can be our most beautiful and our most ugly selves and may we when we leave their presence, go out into the world and pass on the love they have given us to others. I am lucky to have that and to be inspired by these women and many more. May you too be so blessed.
Namaste.
1 comment:
Another reason I would love to see you published. Beautiful.
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