Mama

This morning I sit slumped on the floor in my pajamas
the fuzzy polar bear ones you gave me your last Christmas
today they're threadbare and worn
and outside clouds are swirling up a storm
with pictures of you spread before me
snapshots of your life
I am reminded there will never be new images of you to add to this collection
I read the journal your friends gave
filled with thoughts and stories
and I cry along with the clouds
tears splattering my glasses with raindrops of love and pain and anger
so much so that the words and pictures of you become fuzzy and unclear

I never said goodbye to you
not really
They had a get together at Liz's house
but I asked them to leave me alone on that rain filled night
choosing instead to pack your clothes for Goodwill
and wrap up your dishes in old newspaper
For somehow the 12th seemed too early to celebrate your life and observe your passing
when on the tenth
you sat in my living room doing the crossword in the morning sun
leaving me one last kiss on the cheek when you departed

Your friends in Portland threw a wake
where I'm sure they told stories of your glorious dancing
your beautiful art
your endless generosity
and the amazing ability you had to live for today
to be in the moment
but I was scared and numb and in a surreal plane of existence then
so I stayed away
refusing again to say goodbye

You would have hated a funeral
the thought of burial a waste of earth in your mind
so we had you cremated
and today I feel especially guilty that you sit alone in a box in my house
rather than swimming with the fish
or blowing in the wind
or growing with the trees
or flying with the birds
being among the natural world you loved
but I'm selfish
and not ready to give you back to the earth just yet

On days when life is hard
and I don't want to call anybody else
I am reminded that you knew me better than I ever realized
in an instinctual, maternal way that no one else ever will
You who calmed my fears
eased my worries
inspired my beliefs
and encouraged my actions
Who today and tomorrow
and every other day I spend on this earth
I will think of
because my home has always been wherever you are
and I just need to say
Mama
thank you for this glorious life
and for having been you